A very simple sound wave that, if repeated continually, will bring opposition forces to their knees. There will be open weeping, gnashing of teeth, and an all-important letting go of the will to fight. It’s is, simply stated, one television commercial. The 15-second spot, “Fresh Flavors” from Ruby Tuesday Garden Bar and Grill will drive anyone directly over the edge. Watch and learn:
Call it serendipity, call it kismet, thanks to inspiration from Barney the dog’s regular daytime TV programming, this has to be the single-most powerful deterrent to peace of mind anywhere. Here’s how it plays. UP-TV is broadcast on the Suddenlink and other national cable systems across the country. It’s a great channel and you can count on marathons of (mostly) really great shows, e.g., “Gilmore Girls” (Barney's personal favorite, "Coffee, coffee, coffee"); “Growing up McGhee“ (Son#6: “Daddy, am I bad? Dad: “No son, you’re 5”—who does NOT love this family?); "Bringing Up Bates”; “America’s Funniest Videos”; and others.
It’s not clear from an online search exactly which agency is responsible for this 15-second audio weapon, but thanks to ispot.tv, we know, “The song was created for this commercial.” As if there were a question being floated out there with someone thinking they’d ever heard it before. It’s new. It’s obnoxious, and it’s the key to global peace. It was possible to locate one ad agency in North Carolina as having produced several prior Ruby Tuesday ads, but who’d want to stick them with this stinker as potentially one of theirs? Innocent until proven guilty, BooneOakley. Just saying.
You play this 15-second “gem” in a loop for hours (while our troops wear noise-canceling headphones), and I guarantee people will run screaming for cover. They will drop all weapons, release all hostages and beg for mercy.
Speaking of which, why UP-TV continues to run “7th Heaven” episodes as if nonstop episodes starring creepy Stephen Collins won’t run you off, then there’s the entire dysfunctional family. Oh, my stars. Quite the characters--Ruthie? Lucy? Simon? Oh please. The only actors with a redeeming role in the family are Barry Watson’s “Matt Camden” and the Stults brothers (George and Geoff) in their “Kevin and Ben Kinkirk” roles. The only thing you question about the Kinkirks is their decision skills in teaming up with a Camden. Yuck.
Speaking of brothers, Sam and David Camden were supposedly portrayed by all four of Brino quintuplets early on (Nikolas, Lorenzo, Zachary and Myrinda) but eventually casting was narrowed down to two of the little boys who spoiled multiple levels of information untimely because they didn't ever grasp what a "secret" was. Another reason to 86 the reruns of "7th Heaven." All these facts seem pointless but this is what happens when you try not to think about the insipid Ruby Tuesday "Fresh Flavors" commercial. You'll think of anything that takes your mind off the off-key woman pirouetting around the salad bar.
Back to bad TV. "7th Heaven." Continuing...every other character is unpleasant, demanding, petulant, self-centered, jealous, and overly involved in the lives of their siblings to the point of insanity. The actors are only portraying their roles, but it's truly challenging not to transfer your opinion of the character to the actor after 11 wearisome seasons of reruns. Jessica Biel got out just in time. Please, UP-TV, stop this air pollution, quickly. More Gilmore, less Camden/Collins.
Back to the good of UP-TV. Now, actor Barry Watson has a chance at a good show (and they’re giving him his own, well-deserved series, “Date My Dad,” starring Watson and Raquel Welch, debuting in four weeks). There are already many pans on the show before it has even aired, on the UP-TV page, which seem rather unfair, except the channel promotes it four times an hour and there's still 30 days to go before airdate. Yes, that's excessive, but that's what UP-TV does. Perhaps it's the too-close association of UP-TV and the Ruby Tuesday "Fresh Flavors" commercial that every 15 minutes, just like Ruby Tuesday’s ad buys are simultaneously running. Now, UP-TV in general does far more good than harm, but they are galaxies away from being the Hallmark Channel, to be sure. Haven't seen any Ruby Tuesday's commercials on that channel, but it's only a matter of time, sadly.
But, here's an idea. Repetition of bad TV shows (11 seasons of “7th Heaven” are 11 too many), and bad singing is the way to end world conflict. Repetition of even a good thing can drive most people to the brink anyway.
On the bright side of bad TV and truly bad TV commercials, we can literally scare the meanness out of every world enemy we have by making them hear, consider, reflect or muse about "7th Heaven" and "Ruby Tuesday's." Once again, a recognized leading powerhouse, the United States, continues to lead the world in music and TV “infotainment” that will drive even the most happy person, and her or his dog, slightly over the edge. And it’s free! Satellite uplinks guide the way, so let ‘er rip! Infidels, dictators and traitors beware…Ruby Tuesday’s “Fresh Flavors” is comin’ for ya. You are so going to wish you hadn’t been born. Hide and watch, a lot. That will teach them not to cross or block or hack us. "We are the champions my friends" (with massive apologies to Queen).
Please, for the sake of world peace, export this commercial off of our TV sets and into countries who are trying to bomb us. It has everything our enemies don’t like—singing, dancing, and stupid. We can emerge victorious and not have lost anything but a little time. Uncle Sam needs this spot and we sure as heck don’t need it at all. Please don’t thank me. Just trying to be a good citizen and do my part to support my country.
If you need to find me, one place you won’t spot me is a Ruby Tuesday’s. We don’t have one here anyway and when I’m in a town that has one, I’m going to remember that sorry commercial and go anywhere else but there.